How can I ever be happy again? I feel like I am drowning. I am so angry and sad all at once. I am overcome by grief. My baby is gone forever and I think he took me with him. What’s the point of all of this? It’s so miserably awful.
Here’s my fu letter. Fu Doctor Terrizi for discharging my terminally ill son from the hospital when he was hypothermic. Fu Dr. Frost for failing to follow through on your instinct that you should give TJ an MRI. Fu med students from University of Chicago for not having any gumption to look further for answers, you’re a really swell bunch, not! Fu Dr. Derek for being an f’ing moron and saying he’s just immature, I don’t suspect he has anything wrong with him anyway and I won’t give him the tooth x-ray. Fu Evanston Hospital for proving to be the absolute worst medical institution on the planet. Fu Dr. Swider for telling us not to go to the dermatologist about his hair. Fu Dr. Blivas for saying he’s clinically fine. Fu receptionist at Northshore for saying that all patients are just as important and making TJ wait in the waiting room with all those contagiously sick children. Fu Lurie’s for having one waiting room and making families sit there with everyone else as they wait to have the blood test that will confirm that their only son will die. Fu Hospice Jenn for saying you’d be there for us and then sending someone else. Fu Hospice Lauren for being the most useless social worker ever and showing up once to work with Kendall and then never coming again. Fu insurance company for not covering TJ’s formula even though he did have an inborn error of metabolism. Fu every other doctor who failed TJ miserably, you all did nothing for TJ. Tom and I chose every medicine, made every decision, figured out every problem, you are all useless, you do not know how to think outside of the box, you have zero creativity and essentially forgot how to think or maybe never knew how to think. I hate you all, not a little, but a lot. I hate that I chose you, that I trusted you. You are pond scum; you don’t deserve a second chance. You are all a bunch of aholes!!!!!
That didn’t help, not even a little. I am ashamed of myself that I can’t control any of this rage, but why should I. These medical doctors seriously f’ed up. They could have figured this out, they had a responsibility to look further and they didn’t, so f them!!!
And while I’m at it I might as well toss in an fumenkes!!!! You are the crown jewel of mother f’ers. You take smart, beautiful baby boys and kill them. You are a mass murderer. You are an evil menace. I hate you more than anything in the world.
I guess you can call this my angry period. I hope some heroes in tiny capes fly by and whisk me on to the next phase of grief, because this particular period is not pretty.
I love you little guy! Let your faith be bigger than your fears. And please forgive me my tirade, Mommy’s having a bad day.