Everyone said go home, how can you still be here? They said just leave your job. How do you just leave your job? I am a teacher, other parents count on me to help their children. I can’t just leave. I am a mother, I have to provide for my family, I can’t just leave. I am a wife, one half of a team, I can’t just leave.
But I did. And I have not once regretted that decision. When I left, two months ago, TJ could push up on his arms, he could smile and laugh. He was just getting to the point where you could carry him on your hip and he could look around. I was beginning to face him forward in the B’jorn. Over the last two months TJ has lost all of that. He is like a newborn baby now. He cannot hold up his head, he cannot smile, he cannot track with his eyes, he cannot reach out and grasp things. And me, I did not miss a minute of it. I watched as he grew up and now I am here when he needs me most. Yes, it is sad, but it is also TJ’s life. I love him with all of my heart. I will not miss a minute of it.
So, what do we do? We have our things. We fold laundry together. I do 18 loads and lay him on a blanket in the middle of his floor. I fold, he listens. I tell him stories and sing him songs. I make mountains of fresh clean clothes around him. We rock on his glider together. There’s a box fan behind his glider that constantly runs on low. It muffles out the rest of the world and we just rock, together. We sleep together. I climb in his crib with him and we snuggle all night long until Tom comes in and finds me or Kendall finds me and says she’s jealous. We read books. Our favorite is, The Gift of the Ladybug. You should read it. It’s a beautiful story. We pray together. We pray for our family, my parents and Tom’s, Kendall, our cousins, and friends. We pray for my students, especially one who I know really needs me right now, and I regret not being able to help. We have our things.
My little guy is six months old now. He is 16 pounds. A large newborn. I had to look at special needs bath chairs last night. They aren’t shaped like cute little whales. He’s six months old, a newborn baby, a special needs child. He’s growing out of his B’jorn because he’s getting too tall to face in, he’s growing out of his bouncy seat, but he’s not growing into this life, this world. So, I will adapt this life, this world, like all the moms before me. I will never regret a day, a moment, a second that I spend making this life beautiful for TJ.
I love you little guy! Let your faith be bigger than your fears.