I’ve been seeing a shrink since about two weeks before TJ passed away. It was suggested that this might be a good idea. And it has been good.
So this shrink, she’s been waiting her whole career for this. I am a sponge to her soapy water, soaking it all in. I plunk down on her couch and let it all hang out. I hold nothing back. And in doing so…my child is compared to a feral animal.
You see, when one child is drowning, it is typical that the family throws all efforts toward that child. TJ needed everything we had. We gave it to him. We focused all attention on creating a peaceful, loving environment. Meanwhile the sweet, well behaved three year old who prior to this had lived in an environment with rules and boundaries, was picking up some not so pleasant habits as her parents were quick with a yes and not so good at the no’s.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. As I emerged from the aftermath of the “grenade” that had blown up my life, I noticed that the pieces that were landing in no way resembled anything that I was familiar with.
At this point, I sat on the shrink’s couch and called it my chaos. I said, “I don’t know what to do with the chaos that has become my life, but I also don’t want to let it go. The chaos makes me feel closer to TJ and I’m scared that if I clean things up, I will lose some of the connection that I feel with TJ.”
My shrink confirmed that the chaos is normal (I like the word normal, normal is good). Then she asked if I was ready to move out of the chaos. This is when she compared the chaos to a grenade going off and the pieces of one’s life falling down all over the place and then the process of putting it all back together as best one can.
So, I said, “No, I like the chaos. I’ll stay in it awhile.”
But living in the wreckage of a grenade is not easy. And living in the wreckage of a grenade, to hang on to the beauty that was before the explosion really doesn’t make any sense. So, it was time for a change.
I am not saying any of this is easy or logical. I actually don’t really know what I’m saying, but this is what I did.
I read a parenting book, a discipline book. I picked four non-negotiables, asked Tom to come on board, and I dug my heels in, gritted my teeth and became a mother again. Guess what, I’m starting to recognize my daughter and I like her. I’ve always loved her, but I like her again.
I dusted off the old cookbook, rummaged through the remnants of my freezer and made a few dinners. Nothing gourmet, but dishes thoughtfully prepared with love.
I cleaned out my closet of post maternity clothes, started working out again, and brushed my hair. I’m back on the road to a healthy-ish lifestyle.
I started replying to all the messages I’ve received over the last several months. I worked on thank you notes and sent some special cards. I feel good about this. I am accomplishing something that I know is important and matters to me.
But here’s what I’m trying to get at. My life may never resemble the one I used to know, I might not want or need some of those old pieces anymore. Maybe I’ll fill some of the space with new, more exciting pieces. But, it’s time for me to try to move out of the chaos. It’s time for me to do this for me, for Kendall, for Tom and for TJ.
Oh, and in case I haven’t had the chance to tell you, thank you for listening and thank you for loving us. One of the new pieces of my life will look more like that; it will look like a giant, caring heart.
I love you little guy! Let your faith be bigger than your fears.