Her second child, she is honestly my favorite person in the world. She is the most free-spirited, delightful child that I know. Clearly a gift to this family, but nonetheless a game-changer. That strolling, happy family of three ceased to exist once this bundle of joy made them four.
We had that day. The day we looked at our life, said goodbye, climbed in the car and drove off into a new adventure. Our second child, he was also a gift and also a game-changer.
But then our four became three again. A very different three. A physical three. An outwardly three. A confusing three.
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My Mom thinks I should share with you what I know to be true about grief. So here’s my top 10 list of grief, as I know it to be true today:
1. Grief is selfish and greedy. It is a me, me, me proposition. It is constantly trying to negotiate how I feel at any given moment. What do I want to eat, what do I want to do today, what do I need. It’s not pretty.
2. Grief is fluid, ever changing, a sailboat on the ocean. It is not a straight line. It is emotions that flip and flop all over the place sometimes in an hour, sometimes in a day.
3. Grief is sad. It is the loss of a loved one. It is the loss of hopes and dreams for the future. It is tears and pain.
4. Grief is rebuilding. It is putting things back together. It is finding your footing.
5. Grief is lonely. It is cards that stop arriving, people returning to their lives, flowers dying.
6. Grief is an elephant in the room. It is people avoiding, dodging, and cowering.
7. Grief is betrayal. It is living on without you.
8. Grief is a free pass. It is everyone saying, “It’s ok…”
9. Grief is the empty seat at the table, the space in the picture, the hole in my heart.
10. Grief is the fear that you might soon forget him.
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We are not a family of three. We are four. We are not trying to go back to who we were that day we left for the hospital. We are not that little family anymore.
We will never forget TJ. We are not trying to move on.
It does not make us sad to remember our son. We are not holding our breath trying to get through today.
We are a family of four. We are learning to live as a very different family than we ever imagined, but that is not the cute little family of three. We are a strong, fearless family of four. We talk about TJ often. He makes us smile. He makes us happy. When you tell me you remember him I am overcome with joy. When you say his name, I know you love him too. We are not trying to forget; we are learning to live with a child here and a child in heaven.
Please don’t let him become the elephant in the room. He’s my son. I am not afraid of him or trying to forget him. I will never have a day in my life that I don’t think of TJ, remember him, smile about him, and love him. TJ is Kendall’s brother. She will never forget him. She needs to continue to get to love him. She needs us to help her remember him. TJ is our parents’ grandchild, they’re not trying to forget him, they will always love him and remember him. TJ is a nephew and cousin to many. They still love him. TJ was and still is a part of our family. We are happy when we think of him. He brings us joy everyday.
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None of us know for sure. The picture is ever changing. There are good days and bad. But we don’t want to go back. We don’t want to paint our past away. We want to add new colors and sail on.
I love you little guy! Let your faith be bigger than your fears.